the usual questioning

It's that time of year when I begin to question what the hell I'm doing, and in addition, what art is doing for me or anyone else. Watching Art21 tonight the artist Baldessari was saying that he started art later in life because he didn't see the purpose in it, "you can't mend bone, make shelter." This is kind of the problem I mentally always come back to.

I struggle with the conventional and bohemian sides of myself. The desire to be an accountant, and the longing to be an artist to actualize my ideas. I don't think I feel so opposite about anything else in my life, but I think this is because the issue resides around economy, class and our culture; that I struggle with my decision to be an artist. This is the struggle with security versus flux. There is a negotiation within the ambiguous definition of art that if creativity and creation exists in all acts within life then there could be another way about living this life in a way that would be respected by others, financially speaking. But would I die of boredom, or be willing to settle with one subject matter? I stand at the point of definition within my life. If I am to make this path work I have to use these fears and desires as honestly as I can in my artwork.

My interests in consumption and commodification I think comes from this place of conflict within me - wanting to be defined and be the definer. This was further reinforced by early observations of my parents' small business, and my many entrepreneurial businesses I've started - lemonade stands, bake sale and car washing. Within this area of interest I can play out some of these conventional roles of clerk, treasurer, secretary, greeter, vendor and list goes on.

The idea of "just being an artist" comes from my humble background and my desire to give back. I've always felt a little indulgent when it came to art making. To be able to toy over an idea and your own interests seems like mental masturbation. Not that I don't love it, or seeing others' ideas manifest into objects, but it is a conflicted area of interest depending on my particular perspective at any given moment. And within these notions I find myself in a MFA program called Public Practice. Its all starting to sense to me, slowly and not without trepidation, but perhaps that is who I am right now.

And this is all part of creating a public and/or personal art practice. Oh the pleasure and the pain.